Hey there, guys....
Before we go any further, I wanted to get back to who I am, as Matt Gillis, and my wily and sometimes wacky alter ego "CCWolffeNC," and just why in the world why I'd go ahead and subject myself to writing this blog. And just what I want to do while doing it, much less why I'm beginning to be hellbent on making sure folks read this. Trust me when I say it's not for the ego (although I do admit some sort of satisfaction when I find out that people do read the blog), but it's just to make sure I can let people know who I am, and maybe in turn, I can find out more about them, too.
Short story version at all possible, I'm a goofy guy, a sort of "misfit" who never quite fits into what some might term the "real world." I came into this world on a late Monday afternoon, according to the family, on August 19, 1962, approximately 4:40 pm-no wonder I work better on second shifts, and love having fun that much more. <G> I'm from a big Catholic family, being sixth of seven kids and the third of four boys, which resided on Long Island, NY, at the time (the central part of the island, Massapequa). My dad worked for Western Electric (the old AT&T Bell Labs division in its earlier days) as a research and development head, working on systems for its various clients, while my mom was left to deal at times with seven different kids and seven different personalities. And trust me when I say that my mom deserves a lot of credit for dealing with such "chaos" at times, and letting dad chime in whenever he had to. Fortunately, both of them have a love that is pure and genuine, grounded in the Catholic Church, but that transcended so much they became the kind of folks you'd want as your own parents.
In 1966, about the time I turned 4, my dad was transferred to a Western Electric facility in North Carolina. Let's say during that time, we celebrated three birthdays while being stuck at the old Sheraton Hotel in Winston-Salem while getting a house of our own-mine, my mom's, and my next older brother Andy's in October. But it wasn't long before we finally moved just east of Winston-Salem and became a long standing part of the neighborhood, including the local elementary school across the street. And to say I was one of the quirkiest kids you'd ever meet is an understatement, all thru elementary and middle schools, and all I wanted to do was just fit in. I wasn't the wealthiest, the smartest, the funniest, the most athletic, the most troublemaking, none of that-and it kinda hurt just to find my niche. I could be entertaining, since I did have a powerful stage presence for school plays and even a little bit of a "voice" <G>, but I was still looked on for being a bit weird. I could also do artwork and comic drawings, which I did until high school and never pursued after that, maybe as a wrong decision. But growing up as a "misfit" never suited me-and being a closeted "gay" guy with a thing for burly guys didn't exactly win me support, either. Let's face it, back in those days, Southern states were not known for tolerance, and gay jokes were all too damned common.
One thing I'd enjoyed was music, maybe not singing it, but finding out about music and its artists. That led me to a lifelong love affair with the radio, first AM, and then later on the quirkiness of FM, in all sorts of music from country (which was more the "twang" type country) to the tunes of rock, disco, and so on. And of course, it also made me want to become a DJ, or at least be involved with the music biz, particuarly with DJs like Dick Clark, a California DJ named John Leader (a well known voiceover artist), and of course, "Shaggy" of Scooby Doo himself, the legendary Casey Kasem. I'd had the ambition to maybe study both broadcasting and/or journalism (since I seemed to have a gift for writing, as you have noticed now <G>), because I was dying to pursue that kind of work. When I finally had the chance to study both in college, I decided to do so, with a possibility of also doing some serious journalistic work-and chose political science as my major, journalism as my minor (and broadcasting as a second minor later). What I found out, was, unfortunately, it took WORK to do that. I'm much more of a social creature by nature, and my grades didn't exactly work out the way I wanted to (and the first year was marred by the death of my beloved grandfather and the admittance of two of my sisters' marriages being torn apart0.
I'd even gone down the route of becoming "born again" by a dear friend who loved me, but he was scared of his own gay past, and how torturous it was for him. But the fact we'd gone ahead and had a "romance" that ended badly-and that I took it even worse-killed that, plus my college career. To say I regret hurting him, most of all, remains one of my darkest "sins" that haunts me to this day. I returned home to start going ahead and paying off those bills, first at a goofy gas station/convenience store, then at a fast food place, then at the first of four retail jobs I've had over the years. But I could never stay completely out of trouble, because I wanted to be "right" when it came to everything, and that I still felt like I wasn't given enough respect. But at least at the retail job, I had some amount of respect, even when I got into serious trouble. And I guess the fact you deal with the public, you have the duty to treat people exactly how you'd like to be treated-even if I may never have gotten praise from the store, I got it from the customers.
But, that time at that store came to a serious end when a young man, several years younger, came to work at the store along with his mom. We got along terrifically, even to the point he and I did spend time having dinners at my place, by ourselves and later with a couple of my old high school buddies. But it was a vacation that was poorly planned is when the friendship fell apart-enough to also make me question about how I really felt about him. The truth is, it took a serious confrontation to have him get it out of me. And when he asked "are you gay?", I told him "yes..and no," stating I'd become bisexual. He left, and our friendship and my time at the store ended within a few days afterward, when I left after I felt again I'd caused too much pain to someone I respected and cared about very much. The only saving grace was that, thru a temporary second job, I'd met a young man who was mischevious in a way, but also acted with such calm logic that it was the perfect opposite to my emotions sometimes. And to say that this young man is still one of my dearest friends to this day is a testament to the fact we have helped each other so much, probably him helping me more than I have him, and that he is one of the damnedest best folks I have ever known. Believe me when I say that when I talk about him and say I owe him my life ten thousand times over, NO JOKE.
Even more, he actually helped me out in discovering a new way to make my feelings and my writing skills known, by finally giving me the chance to discover computers. Mind you, I'd seen both the big freakin' PCs that take up whole rooms, right down to the first Apples, Commodores, and IBMs. I'd been intimidated, let's face it, I'm NOT a computer "geek" by any means. But it took time and effort to learn the skills, and to learn about some of the good surprises on the way. And with that, my friend David and I also started off another journey, into what is called the "bear/chub" part of the gay community, dealing with furry and/or beefy type guys (my admitted turn on since puberty), and helped find some of the best places to mingle (and thus, I started to become that "kid in the candy store"). Even before that, I'd also found a couple magazines that dealt with that sort of lifestyle, and my writing skills were itching to develop, but after a couple of awful pen names, I'd almost given up. Leave it to an old chat program to help me find my "alter ego," one that David and I tried out not long after I got online in '95. I'd met a great guy who enjoyed chatting about anything and everything (and still does, he's also become one of my closest advisers and friends), getting in using a nickname David used to enter the chatroom (I later told him I was the one actually talking).
The next day, a new name came on in the chatroom, to where I managed to somehow private chat the moderator (same guy) and let him know "Hey, we chatted the other night, it's me, Matt." And thus that night a "legend" was born-a feisty, furry little mother with an appetite for fun (and not just sexually), and a thirst to meet and get to know all sorts of people. I'd become what I called a "chubby chasing wolf," or "cool chasing wolf," depending on what day it was, and thus my online and pen name alter ego "CCWolffe" was born. And since most people still ask where I'm from, I've normally used "CCWolffeNC" (the "NC" to represent North Carolina, my home state, of course) now online when I make my presence known. I may alter the nickname just a bit at times, but most folks usually know it's me when you talk to me. I can be shy at first sometimes (yes, duh), but if I'm around most of my pals, I can be quite the charmer. But I also know when it's time for the playful side, and know when to be a great confidant.
I admit it, sometimes my social skills ain't worth a jack flip, and they can trip me up, even now. I've had times where I've been involved with certain things, and I may have been a little more "social" than I needed to be. But it wasn't from not wanting to do the right thing, and wanting to connect with people on all sorts of levels-and when confronted, it seemed that people thought I wasn't sincere or trustworthy. And that's always been the thing that ticks me off more than anything-you may NOT like the way I do things, or may think I'm a reckless damned idiot, that people wouldn't give a damn about who I am or what I stand for, or that I'm not one you want to get to know. But you'd better come to ME, first and foremost, not thru not any other channel or friend, even IF the message you're telling me hurts my feelings. And the fact you're supposed to be my "friend," that hurts if you'd cven THINK I'd do anything like that to hurt anyone, intentional or not, I hope by confronting me that you'll find out, if I did, believe me, I'd be sincerely heartbroken. This happened recently to someone I came to admire greatly, and the fact that now a new friend thinks I'm not even worth talking to (especially when the circumstances WERE my fault, admittedly) and may not give me that chance to rectify that damage, THAT HURTS. Anyone who knows me will tell you, I have my faults, but I ask only the chance to prove I'm not as bad as you might think.
Anyway...back to the present. At least from a couple years ago, anyway. I'd been asked to get onto Twitter and Facebook to keep up with certain people, but I'd never had the interest, time, or guts, for that matter, to go ahead and open myself up that much. I'd also been part of a relationship (which I still am, and a great person, at that, even if I never give him all the praise he deserves) which didn't leave much room to go ahead and embark on the internet like that. But it took a couple of interests to finally make me get onto Twitter, with the hope I'd go ahead and at least meet a celebrity or two that I liked. I don't care what your background is, famous or not, religious or not, my race or not, gay or straight, as long as you're a human being who wants to share his or her life story with me, good and bad, I'm here to listen, to understand, and to maybe even share some common ground with you. I've been like that, will always be like that. Like I said, blame some very understanding parents for that (and even been told so by my mom a number of years ago, a treasured moment burned into my brain for all eternity), and again, anyone who's become part of that "extended family" I now have (the folks I now refer to, affectionately, as my "WolffePack," corny but catchy), and met me online or in person if at all possible, if you talk to them about me, you'll find that out rather quickly, I sincerely hope.
It looked like I'd given up on the Twitter world for good, and basically left that behind when other interests called me. But several months ago, a couple of new items entered my sphere (including one that I've yakked about constantly, including here), letting me go ahead and get back online, but in a whole new way. The Twitter account I have went from being on life support, to Warp 5, within a matter of a few hours <G>. And it wasn't long before I got onto Facebook by year's end to also pursue such interests there-and thank God, there have been some folks I've come to respect who have "befriended" me, including a few new "celebrities" who have found out there's more to this "wolf" than meets the eye. I guess the only thing that still hurts about all this, being a Leo like a few major stars, you crave the "spotlight" in a way. And you don't want to wait on it, or lose it once you get it. And being from a background and family where I've always been one to be the center of attention, sometimes that is hard, even for being my age.
Maybe the recent "issue" I mentioned comes into play, but then again, this might be my way to somehow "atone" for that kind of goof I caused. I'm the type of person if I want to be a part of something or just want something for myself badly enough, I'll fight like hell. There's been too many times I've gone ahead and got into something, but it went wrong and I had to regroup, or just leave it altogether. Just now that I've reached age 50, almost (this August), it seems the opposite of just being patient, it seems that my time is running out, and it's a race I CAN'T dare lose. My friends have always been there, and there have been a number of them that I have touched so deeply, it's been a genuine joy just to do so from the fact that they tell me that I have made one very big difference in their lives. I love them to death for that, and a number of them that have said so, are among the reasons why I still continue to be online, and hurt and celebrate along with them. But I'm also hoping to make sure, for those who still seem to think that I may not be someone that they want to deal with, and even for the ones that are in my corner, to know ALL of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, ALL of it that makes me who and what I am. If you don't want to deal with me, that's your issue, and I wish you well in whatever you do, I just hope you don't hold me in a bad light. But I'd love for you to see that I am NOT some irresponsible boob or monster, but a decent human being who just wants to get to know you, and get to know all about you, inside and out. And if it were possible, just maybe break down the walls that divide us so you can see who this person named Matt Gillis/"CCWolffeNC" is-a guy with faults, yes, but a guy who loves life, his family, his friends, all kinds of music, good sci-fi, plays and musicals, travel, some reality TV ("The Voice" and "Survivor" at the top of that list), and above all, LOVE. That, if anything, is the greatest gift one person can offer someone else, love. The chance to say "Hey, I'm Matt, wanna talk and see if we can be friends?" and maybe just strike up something that can be good for you both.
Right now, I've been parading around some of the sites I've become known to frequent, hoping that people will take a look at my blog. (And of course, my favorite TV show at the moment has become something of a "draw" for some folks, and trust me when I say that won't stop continuing, and will include more of my interests.) I hope that if you've finally got the nerve to read this, whether you happen to be a friend of mine, or someone who's made a point of catching it just because a friend or even a celebrity mentioned this, READ it. And I mean read thru, all the blog entries that I offer. You don't have to leave me a message here or on my email (which I have mentioned, although that would be nice), but make sure you do go ahead and share it with someone. I want you to find out what makes me tick, and realize some of what goes on inside me, even if you've known me for years. Good or bad, you might be surprised, and I hope it also means that you might find out I'm not such a bad egg, at least I HOPE to God I'm not. To the people I have known, you'll see what does make me tick. To those I may have hurt before, this is my way of maybe explaining why I am sorry, and why I would give anything to help heal those ties. To those that don't know me, this is a way to make sure you know how to meet me halfway. And to everyone, to show you how much I care about life, love, and all of you-and how damned proud I am to find out I'm not alone in this world. And to hopefully face my "bucket list" years with the same zest for life I've had for the past 50 years.
That's it from here, I'll talk to you all next time from my "neck" of the North Carolina woods. And please make sure to tell someone about this blog-and I hope you all stop by often. Until then, this is the Wolffe wishing you well, take care, be good, God bless, I'm gone, bye-bye. NUFF SAID.
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