Recently, I'd had a friend comment about one of my earlier blogs, who had mentioned that some of my comments bordered on the line of narcissism. That was odd, but I could see where he was going, especially in regards to the fact I'd wanted to have a big celebration later this year when I reached the "magic" age of 50. I'd replied to him, "bud, it's not necessarily narcissism, but the long established trait that I have about birthdays."
Now, I know to some people (including my best friend and my partner), birthdays just seem like another day in the year, that it's not really something to look forward to. They've become so jaded over all the bad stuff that keeps happening all around them, whether it affects them directly or indirectly, from what I can observe. And that kind of thinking keeps them in a mindset that things will never have the ability to change, hopefully for the better. They feel that it doesn't matter, whatever time of the year, that things, or life itself, for that matter, will always be a struggle. It's not wrong to think that way, but to me, that just seems like a defeatist attitude.
I've been the exact opposite-the day you come into the world SHOULD be a day when, to use a popular term, "the universe revolves around ME," for a change. That's also a silly way to explain it, but I think of it this way...you came into this world on that day, and you should be able to celebrate all the good that has happened, whether an award for a song or achievement, winning one big football game in your youth, meeting your lover for the first time and finding out he/she is your best friend. And it's also a time you remember all the good times that you've had with your partner/spouse, your family, and your friends. That nothing matters more than the love and good times you get out of life, and the fact you want to share even more with those people, while they're still around in your life. And it's also a time to remember all those dear people that were part of your life, and are no longer there to share the memories you still cling to.
I said it in the past blogs, YES, I'm one selfish bastard, and always wanting more out of life-to the point I've been termed "insatiable" by a couple I knew (one half, thankfully, still around and one of my dearest friends). But they got the gist of it, by also saying that if I'M insatiable for me, I'm just as insatiable to share it with the people who matter so much in my life, because if I feel I matter, THEY matter, too. No greater love, in my book, is that person who knows how to share such a treasure as love with his friends and family. And it's that love, that even pushes you to sacrifice, no matter what the cost, and when you do wrong, you'll go thru proverbial hell and high water to make things right by them and you.
That's why I've said that my birthday is a celebration for me, but also for ALL the folks I've had in my life, even for a brief time, to enjoy that time, to meet and share a feeling of pure happiness. All this while the rest of the world can go on in all its insanity and misery, just for a few blessed hours. And anybody who can do that, especially at a milestone just as mine, deserves to have the world just hang tight for a few moments and give them a pat on the back for getting thru. And time be damned for thinking that this is a day for feeling sorry, as one CD put it a number of years ago, "age ain't nothing but a number," with the right mindset.
Right now, I've gone thru a personal hell of my own, and the fate of a few friendships that I want to share that moment in time with me is in serious jeopardy, even the fact at least one of them-a dear new soul I've just come to know-may not come back at all. The fact that has happened, and I'll have to let time deal with it all, scares the dickens out of me. I've always been scared I'd lose anyone and everyone I love because of something, whether thru outside interference, or in this particular instance, out of my own stupid decisions. But to do nothing would be the bigger stupidity, not if you believe in the power of love, and the memory of those you hold so tight you'd damned make sure nothing happened to them, whether new ally or old friend. And the fact I'm now one of the most impatient persons out there, coupled with a bad case of being too stubborn to change after a lot of compromising who I am, doesn't make this situation any easier.
Music has always been a saving grace for me, and recently my head found clarity enough to reach into my CD collection and pull out a favorite, the Kenny Loggins CD "Leap Of Faith," from 1993. The songs have been a godsend to my peace of mind of late, but one song gave me tremendous help lately to decide to move on. Folks are familiar with Kenny's earlier hit "This Is It," dealing with having to make a choice one way or another. "Now Or Never," from "Leap," deals with a man "stuck out here on the precipice," having to decide to take that leap of faith, not knowing if he'll find paradise, the one he prefers, or even one at all. In a way, that man is me, stuck out here, not knowing who will be there when he finds his way back. But I can't take that risk and let my anger, my frustration, my sorrow, turn me very bitter, and cause more damage. I've told a few friends to watch out for me, and with that, take the first few steps, hopefully to ease my mind, and theirs. The only thing I asked the heavens was for my friends to be there by that time I want to celebrate, no other gift will ever satisfy that part of me, not til I can feel I'm home again, with them.
The final chorus of Kenny's song goes as follows, as sung by Kenny, his longtime singer buddy Michael McDonald, and Michael's sister Maureen (who appeared on Michael's "I Keep Forgetting").....
"In every heart comes a time, when you need it, then you'll find, only love can last forever.."
(Reposted with permission, Copyright 1991, Gnossos Music (ASCAP)/Southshore Music (BMI)/Columbia-Sony Music)
This is the hope, that the love I lost will return, maybe not as I imagined, but as I said, any love would be better than none at all, the way things have been. And I imagine for anyone else going thru a similar situation that somehow you've GOT to believe that things can turn around, whatever situation. It may take time (and sometimes, more time than you want or have), it will take effort, but for those you love, if you believe in love and those you love, like me, you'll be damned not to try and get it back. The fact I want to have those people in my life, old and new, there when that "certain day" is there, to share the fun and love with, that they matter so much, even more than your own life sometimes, that's incentive, brother. THAT'S incentive.
To those of you who have visited, thanks for checking me out. Maybe sometimes the rambling is a little bit cluttered, but I can assure you, I'll do my best to make sure you can understand ME a little better, as well as share some of the interests that we all share. All I ask, is keep sharing, and keep checking back-you might just get a surprise along the way, God willing.
Until next time, this is the Wolffe, take care, be good, God bless, I'm gone, bye-bye. NUFF said.
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