Hey again, guys....sorry for the real lapse in posts, but I decided to take a break from some of my usual posting of late the last couple of months. As you know, I have blogged on here about certain items I've become intrigued with, including a couple of TV shows I've offered my opinion on. But after also posting some of my comments on my Facebook page as well, much to the consternation of a few of my pals, I began scaling back, at least for the moment.
I've also been tied up with a very crazy work schedule as well, even now that the holidays are almost over-let's face it, being someone who works retail in the US, especially the way the economy is going, it's probably one of the most stressful times of the year. People want a good buy, and so do I, but you'd be surprised the way some people want to go about it-and want me to bend the rules to do so. Unless I've got the availability to do so via my manager's, don't count on it. I'd had to go thru the same kind of stuff the next day after Christmas the same way you have to do at my store, so bear with it.
But the year's already been challenging enough....my so-called fall from grace among some of my pals (all because of the "slip up" I've told you about recently), a dear friend who lives with me dealing with health issues and now being unemployed, and my own health issues, which returned full force. Long story short, the only thing that's made me feel old nowadays are an ongoing bout with kidney stones, and they made a dickens of a comeback this year, enough to really force a change of diet, namely not enjoying my beloved soda habit all too often right now. :)
I suppose it could be worse, I have known some friends who have had much more serious health issues, even a couple that forced them into very serious financial difficulties. And at least one of my most beloved pals died this year after battling a couple of problems for a good while. I won't even factor in the fact some of my other pals had a serious bout with a "lady" named Sandy, which rocked the East Coast. To say that times have gotten tough all around is a true statement, indeed.
I should feel fortunate...I have been told numerous times that I am appreciated, respected, even loved. I do have my friends and family around me that do have my back when times get rough, and that I do have things that some individuals don't have in their lives. But the trials and tribulations of the past year have taken a toll on me, I do admit to that. I've always been an optimist, knowing that if you just hang in there, and keep some sort of faith, things have to go ahead and work themselves out eventually. And yes, even with all the stuff that has gone on, I've started to make the needed changes that will help me. And I STILL have that nagging voice in the back of my head that says "it's NOT enough, and never WILL be enough."
There's always been that part of me that's been given a message that I'm not good enough, and that's a demon that's hard to deal with even to this day. That I'm not good enough, and that nothing I ever do WILL be good enough to make up for some of the stupidity I've done in my life. And the "incident" this year is just me wanting to do just that, and even have someone feel maybe I AM worth something, even from a distance, and it blew up in my face so much the aftereffects are still there with me now. Time may be a great equalizer, but the way things have been lately, and with the loss of so many dear to me, as one song from the 90's put it, "Time, you ain't no friend of mine." Having started my 5th decade (YES, "Decade") of existence on this plane, I now feel my time is at a limit, and every dream I've never fulfilled is staring at me in the face. And that includes one BIG one, being able to finally reunite with my friends, including those I've never had the chance to meet, and just say hello-and what a difference they mean in my life, even to this day. OK, maybe I STILL wanna be known among my bear/chub kindred, no one likes to not be in the spotlight ONCE in their lives. But even bigger, would be the knowledge that I did good, that I made a difference. (And to those of you who've told me so already, I appreciate that, but nothing beats hearing it in person from a person I've come to love and/or respect, trust me when I say that even a phone call isn't a good alternative to being able to look someone in the face, and give them one hell of a bear hug.)
To those of you who have found out how I can be, even with all my known faults, and still want to consider me a friend, may I offer a sincere "THANK YOU" for seeing my dark side, and yet still find out that maybe I AM someone worth knowing. And it's all because I think YOU'RE worth knowing, trials and problems included. The fact I love you, or at the very least, goes without saying, you've made an impact on my life, as much as I truly hope I have, yours. That's all the proof I need to make sure I remind myself I'm not such a bad old wolf after all-playful, maybe; wild and woolly, probably; but a good person, I sincerely hope so.
To those of you who had parted from me for whatever reason, whether it was an intentional break or not on either side, I apologize wholeheartedly, maybe that it was just the way it was meant to be. I can't be all things to all people anymore, and now it's time to realize I DO have things to work on, but it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings in any way, whatever the circumstances that developed. Maybe I can't be the most popular guy on the block, I just have to do what I can, but just don't mess with me if you think I'm not the good person you think I am. Take my good name and try and smear it, I promise you if I find out, that kind of action will come back to haunt you, badly. And I've already had incidents, including this year, where I've already done enough damage. Trust me when I say that's enough of a cross to bear.
And to those of you who encountered me thru some of the social media, particularly with regards to Facebook and Twitter, to those who had a chance to offer me a bit of respect, I do appreciate that. It is so nice to hear from folks whose backgrounds and adventures in life make them so interesting that I'd like to at least admire them, maybe even get to know them just a bit. The only thing I'd ever ask for in return is a bit of respect towards me, and those I have gotten that from, I hope this admiration society will continue for some time to come, whether you happen to be the average joe or the next "it" person in the media.
But there have also been a couple of you I seem to have "scared off," believe me, that wasn't my intention, either. And with regards to the gent I offended this year more than anyone, I hate to bring this up once more, but I've already had enough people let me know too often "LET IT GO, Matt, he ain't worth it." And so to you, I have said, SIR, I've offered up my apologies, and if your so-called schedule isn't worth a second just to accept those apologies and to even give me a second chance to prove I'm not the "pest" you think I am, then maybe you and I don't need to cross paths ever again. My dear fellow, sometime down the road, you might just realize this little "twerp" would have still been willing to offer whatever help he could, even if I don't have millions or don't appeal to you, in whatever form-and might have offered some support you'd never even realized. All I can say is, if you're willing to take the risk, then FIND me, you AND the now former friend of mine who introduced me to you in the first place. Believe me, he erred in not fighting hard to make sure you knew I'm not the idiot you think I am, as much as you erred in either not believing in me, nor making it clear we weren't going to get along a LOT sooner. I'll admit I was wrong in thinking as well that some of my other pals would come to my defense and let you know the same thing, that I'm not who you'd think I am. My social skills may not be worth jack sometimes, but ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you my heart IS worth something. As I have referred to from an artist I've borrowed the lyrics of one of his songs from, it IS "now or never," and I'm tired of waiting to take action, and hurting like hell. I wish you well, and I know that you are good at what you do. Maybe I can't see things from your perspective like you'd like, but I damned sure wished you'd stopped a second and looked from my point of view. And I damned sure hope you somehow forgive me for the pain and embarassment I caused you, or at least just damned well realize that. And a lot of people we BOTH know will tell you the same thing. I may not be easy to get a hold of, but it's not like I'm gonna be hiding from you, either, just following my own path-all you have to do is THINK, how the hell do I find the Wolffe? You might just find me sooner than you think.
Guys...I'm way too old now for stuff like this to happen in my life, and in my case, this isn't the first time someone has affected me that badly. But the price it's taken on my life means I'm not gonna be the same happy-go-lucky wolf that many of you have come to know and love, at least not now. Time is not my friend right now, especially now that many people I care about have grown old, and a few more have left me this year, and more knocking on the doorstep as we speak. It's time to focus on the people I DO care about who are still here, and still around for me, even as my own life gets that much more complicated. Believe me when I say I WILL make sure that I make the time for you, and make sure that our paths cross long enough to the time when all I need is a simple bear hug and a chance to say "Glad to meet you, and glad that you have made a difference in MY life, as I hope I have in yours." That is all the treasure I'd ever want right now (even though at least a million bucks wouldn't exactly be bad, either). If you're one of those friends of mine that reads thru this latest blog and has some concern, I ask you not to judge me too hard, but to understand where I'm coming from. Everyone else seems to have found their own way of finding some sense of purpose and self-worth in their lives, and I'm still working past my frustrations to obtain mine. As I said, it's time to let time work its magic, and let me find my own happiness, preferably without wondering what anyone thinks.
As far as what I want out of life, just to feel like I've done all right, and that I AM all right, I found comfort by recently rechecking my CD collection, and turning to a track from a blues band I've been fond of (though distantly) since I discovered them about 20 years ago. The song and the strength that they give me, is something I'm passing along to you all, especially for those of you who need much the same encouragement. I know that time is not my best friend of late, and I hate having to be patient, but this particular track from John Popper and his band Blues Traveler proved to be at least a "rock" that I can draw some help from once in a while (and thanks to John and BT for the fact they appreciated my informing them this song was a blessing I needed at the present, when I informed them thru Twitter-trust me, I mean to catch them perform when they come back to the Carolinas, and I sincerely hope they're OK with me sharing this with you now). And I hope it helps you now, like it's been helping me of late (fact is, I can even think that some of you may be saying this same stuff to me now, seems like).
I hope you all have had a good Holiday season, and even with whatever differences you and I might have now, I hope you all have a good New Year as well, I'll see you in 2013, wherever life takes you or whatever it sends your way. HUGS and HOWLS, NUFF SAID, I'll see you down the road.
Matthew (CCWolffeNC)
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"Just Wait" by Blues Traveler (Words and Music--John Popper)
(from the album "Four," copyright 1994, Blues Traveler Publishing/Irving Music (BMI)/A&M Records)
If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles, have you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill
I ask of you a very simple question...
Did you think for one minute, that you were alone?
And is your suffering a privilege you share only...
Or did you think everybody else feels completely at home?
Just wait...just wait
just wait...and it will come
If you think I've given up on you, you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you, then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long
I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe, if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud
Just wait...just wait
Just wait..and it will come
Just wait...just wait
Just wait..and it will come
If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said, has helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone
I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace
Just wait...just wait
Just wait..and it will come
Just wait...just wait
Just wait...and it will come
Just wait..just wait
Just wait..and it will come
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